Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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