I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize