When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
