just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
