Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
