just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
