just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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