If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
