i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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