if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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