You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
