My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
