it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
