The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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