I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just pee around me
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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