I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
