new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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