Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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