There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
