Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
