I want to make a zoo with you.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
