roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
