That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
