when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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