apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
