my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
