is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
