the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
