My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
