i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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