I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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