I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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