theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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