Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
