Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
