You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
