Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
