I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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