The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
