I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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