I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
