Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
