i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
