apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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