is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
