Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
