I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need a beard to bite.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
