yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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