Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
