i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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